Growing up I used to internalize a lot of my thought, my feelings, and anger. For some reason I was under the impression that showing emotion was not a good thing, that showing weakness would allow people to take advantage of you. So all growing up I kept everything in, never let it out, let it stay inside of me simmering like a volcano under the surface, waiting for the right moment. But when is that moment going to be?
During my twenties I had a hard time keeping my thoughts in check. Something would anger me and I would focus on it for hours, days, and even weeks depending on what it was. The sad part about this is that nothing was ever that big of a deal when looking back at it. The person that parked like an asshole is just an asshole. Probably doesn't deserve to be driving, but I'm not a police officer so it's not my job to do anything about it. I often thought about making personal business cards that would have offensive statements on them to hand out to people that I found to be stupid, but never did that. Again, I just kept everything in and let my brain run wild. It wasn't until a few things happened in my life that I knew that things were not right. I found that I was doing things, actions, that I could not justify why I did them. I could not remember doing them until someone would spark my memory in just the right way and then the whole past experience would come to life in my head. I had no idea why I did the things I did. I couldn't give a reason either. I just remember that I did them. This started happening more and more, and every time I would do things that were more and more careless.
After many episodes of bad actions that I could not justify, destroyed relationships, I found myself sitting in a mental health hospital getting treated. Doctors were very interested in me because they found me to be just that crazy. I was told that I had one of the worst cases of adult ADHD that they had seen. On top of that, they told me that I had a symptom called Dissociative identity disorder. The only thing that I could really think at the time was what the fuck is wrong with me? How did I get this way? After months of talking to mental health specialists and many other doctors with title that don't mean anything to me, they decided that the recent episodes in my life were spurred by years of holding in anger. My body had no other way to cope or handle with any more internal stress that my mind would check out of it's normal side and let this other side take over.
Today I am in my mid thirties, married with a child, and feel for the most part that I am doing well. My wife and I have had some trying times, figuring out what triggers my bad responses. We have had some hard times where we had to spend time apart. Eight years later we are doing well and have found that the best things that help me is to be able to openly say what I am feeling. This means saying things that are not nice, politically correct, or hurtful at times. My wife knows that it is my coping mechanism and that things I say should not be taken personally which has helped keep us together. The thing that is really bothering me and causing me to worry is now that I have a little kid, I have to be an example. I do not want him to have to go through what I did, but I don't want him to see the side of me were I have to vent and let things out. I am in a battle with myself to find a new healthy way to deal with my anger so that I do not hurt my family, or my child with hurtful words.
The point that I am making, is that if you have anger or hatred towards anything...let it go. Don't just hold it in. Find a way to make it all right with yourself, whether it is confronting the person, not ever associating with them, or what ever you need to do. Do not hold it in. It will build up and explode at some point or another. I was lucky that I wasn't married with a family when I blew my top. I don't know what I would have done if that would have happened around my family.
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