An Open Apology

There are many times that I wonder what would life be like if I had made different choices along my journey through life. Other times I wonder what it would be like to be someone else, someone that doesn't struggle on a daily basis fighting with their own brain.

I know that I can't change the past, but I really do wonder what would life be like right now if I had known sooner that I had borderline personality disorder (BPD). As I look back in my life, I see a lot of things that I did and said that were effected by this disorder. It hurts knowing that if I would have known the symptoms and been able to tell people about them that my life would be a whole lot different. Now, I am not saying that I do not like my life that I have right now, I just wish that I would not have hurt so many people along the way including myself. 

I guess the sum of what I am trying to get at is that I have a problem. I try very hard to control it and keep it in check. There are times though that it does win and I end up being someone that I am not usually. I say things or do things that are completely out of character. If I have ever hurt you or said something that was completely not me, please accept my apology. I really do not like hurting people, especially those that are close to me. So know that there are times that I will try and self destruct and this means that I will do or say things that are not normal. Know that I am just trying to hurt myself by distancing people close to me.