There are many times that I wonder what would life be like if I had made different choices along my journey through life. Other times I wonder what it would be like to be someone else, someone that doesn't struggle on a daily basis fighting with their own brain.
I know that I can't change the past, but I really do wonder what would life be like right now if I had known sooner that I had borderline personality disorder (BPD). As I look back in my life, I see a lot of things that I did and said that were effected by this disorder. It hurts knowing that if I would have known the symptoms and been able to tell people about them that my life would be a whole lot different. Now, I am not saying that I do not like my life that I have right now, I just wish that I would not have hurt so many people along the way including myself.
I guess the sum of what I am trying to get at is that I have a problem. I try very hard to control it and keep it in check. There are times though that it does win and I end up being someone that I am not usually. I say things or do things that are completely out of character. If I have ever hurt you or said something that was completely not me, please accept my apology. I really do not like hurting people, especially those that are close to me. So know that there are times that I will try and self destruct and this means that I will do or say things that are not normal. Know that I am just trying to hurt myself by distancing people close to me.
October 28, 2016
October 6, 2016
I Don't Know Can Really Mean I Don't Know
There are people in this world that suffer daily. It's not a physical kind of suffering, but a suffering because they are just not understood. I am one of these people. Every day of my life I my brain is constantly battling itself because it thinks many things at one time. Now, some of you are thinking that everyone can do this. Let me break it down to you. I can focus on about seven different things at one time, and pay attention to every single thing. This can be beneficial at times, or utterly destructive at others.
I am writing this to let those that have mental ailments know that they are not alone for one, and that there are ways of dealing with it. I have borderline personality disorder with very high ADHD and anxiety. This is a toxic mix. When my anxiety gets high, my brain starts to race. When this happens I am trying to do to many things at once, all the while my brain is about 20 steps ahead trying to find solutions to the problems. This can turn harmful to me if I don't find a way to reduce my anxiety. When my anxiety stays to high for to long, my main thoughts kind of turn off so that I don't go crazy. But this is when the other many voices in my head take over. I have done things that would be considered self destructive when this happens. Examples are spending thousands of dollars on things I don't need. Doing things with people that I would not normally do (drugs, sex, reckless activities). What is hard about this, is that when my anxiety comes down and the real me comes back, I can remember doing those destructive things, but I can not at all say why I did them.
This has been damaging and destructive in many relationships that I have had. Not just with significant others, but with family and friends as well. I would get asked why I did those actions and I would honestly tell them that I didn't know. What people without these mental ailments don't understand is that we really don't know. Our main thinking part of the brain in charge of rational decisions has turned off. We know what we are doing and can remember doing them, but the rational behind the actions just doesn't exist. It's not a lie.
So for those of you that know or have people in your lives that have an ailment such as mine, let me help you to understand us a little bit better.
If we say that we don't know,... we really don't know. You will be able to tell because our eyes and our face will be so lost and worried because we feel like we should know why but we just don't. So tell us it's all right. Help us. But please don't yell at us or get overly upset with us. You have to know that it wasn't really us doing it, but a part of our brain that we normally have in check taking control.
Second, help us keep our anxiety low. Most of us are triggered by anxiety. If we come to you and say that we need to leave a place or we don't want to go to a busy place, it's our defense so that we don't lose control. If we are in a busy place and you see us start to zone out, talk to us. Ask us questions, have us tell you a story, or best of all take us away from the craziness.
If there are times that you ask us what is wrong and we say nothing, that is mainly because we really don't know exactly what it is that is bothering us. We are trying to figure it out in or heads, but with so much going on up there and so many different things happening, we are just trying to slow everything down and grab on to a single thought. So let us be. When we know what is wrong there is a good chance that we will want to talk about it. (There are also many times that we will want you to just stay with us, not saying anything. Don't be afraid to ask if we want you to stick around while we figure it out) The key to this is let us talk about it without losing your cool on us. Again, there are a lot of things that we think about in our crazy heads that you just won't understand, so just understand that.
Finally, once we have a good relationship with you, help us. There will be times when we don't know that we are about to have a breakdown and lose ourselves but you can see it coming. Tell us! Take us to a safe place where we can just be alone and get our minds refocused.
For those of you that do have the same problems as me, know that I love every one of you and understand that life sucks at times. I hate when people don't understand me, or don't believe me when I say I don't know. But get to know yourself. Get to know when you lose yourself and start to understand what gets you to that point. Find someone in your life that you can trust and will understand and help you. Let them know when you feel like you are going to lose yourself so that they can help you and keep an eye on you. Don't self destruct!! Doing things that you know are wrong seems to be the first thing we want to do. Knowing this, find a place that is quiet and secluded so that you don't do things that you will regret or that will hurt others (emotionally or physically). One of the biggest things that you can do is write down your feelings. Do it in a journal, in a document on a computer, in a blog (like I do) or anything. Just get your thoughts out there. It will help so they don't run around your head causing other crazy thoughts to start. The biggest thing you can do is control your anxiety! Know your limits and stay away from them. Don't let your anxiety build to high before doing something about it or you will find yourself answering questions with I don't know and wishing you had a better answer.
Everyone is different. Not everyone was blessed with a wonderful brain that works without problems. For those that have brain like mine, hang in there. For those that don't, try to understand and love us. Because we love you and truly and honestly don't want to do things to hurt you (or ourselves).
I am writing this to let those that have mental ailments know that they are not alone for one, and that there are ways of dealing with it. I have borderline personality disorder with very high ADHD and anxiety. This is a toxic mix. When my anxiety gets high, my brain starts to race. When this happens I am trying to do to many things at once, all the while my brain is about 20 steps ahead trying to find solutions to the problems. This can turn harmful to me if I don't find a way to reduce my anxiety. When my anxiety stays to high for to long, my main thoughts kind of turn off so that I don't go crazy. But this is when the other many voices in my head take over. I have done things that would be considered self destructive when this happens. Examples are spending thousands of dollars on things I don't need. Doing things with people that I would not normally do (drugs, sex, reckless activities). What is hard about this, is that when my anxiety comes down and the real me comes back, I can remember doing those destructive things, but I can not at all say why I did them.
This has been damaging and destructive in many relationships that I have had. Not just with significant others, but with family and friends as well. I would get asked why I did those actions and I would honestly tell them that I didn't know. What people without these mental ailments don't understand is that we really don't know. Our main thinking part of the brain in charge of rational decisions has turned off. We know what we are doing and can remember doing them, but the rational behind the actions just doesn't exist. It's not a lie.
So for those of you that know or have people in your lives that have an ailment such as mine, let me help you to understand us a little bit better.
If we say that we don't know,... we really don't know. You will be able to tell because our eyes and our face will be so lost and worried because we feel like we should know why but we just don't. So tell us it's all right. Help us. But please don't yell at us or get overly upset with us. You have to know that it wasn't really us doing it, but a part of our brain that we normally have in check taking control.
Second, help us keep our anxiety low. Most of us are triggered by anxiety. If we come to you and say that we need to leave a place or we don't want to go to a busy place, it's our defense so that we don't lose control. If we are in a busy place and you see us start to zone out, talk to us. Ask us questions, have us tell you a story, or best of all take us away from the craziness.
If there are times that you ask us what is wrong and we say nothing, that is mainly because we really don't know exactly what it is that is bothering us. We are trying to figure it out in or heads, but with so much going on up there and so many different things happening, we are just trying to slow everything down and grab on to a single thought. So let us be. When we know what is wrong there is a good chance that we will want to talk about it. (There are also many times that we will want you to just stay with us, not saying anything. Don't be afraid to ask if we want you to stick around while we figure it out) The key to this is let us talk about it without losing your cool on us. Again, there are a lot of things that we think about in our crazy heads that you just won't understand, so just understand that.
Finally, once we have a good relationship with you, help us. There will be times when we don't know that we are about to have a breakdown and lose ourselves but you can see it coming. Tell us! Take us to a safe place where we can just be alone and get our minds refocused.
For those of you that do have the same problems as me, know that I love every one of you and understand that life sucks at times. I hate when people don't understand me, or don't believe me when I say I don't know. But get to know yourself. Get to know when you lose yourself and start to understand what gets you to that point. Find someone in your life that you can trust and will understand and help you. Let them know when you feel like you are going to lose yourself so that they can help you and keep an eye on you. Don't self destruct!! Doing things that you know are wrong seems to be the first thing we want to do. Knowing this, find a place that is quiet and secluded so that you don't do things that you will regret or that will hurt others (emotionally or physically). One of the biggest things that you can do is write down your feelings. Do it in a journal, in a document on a computer, in a blog (like I do) or anything. Just get your thoughts out there. It will help so they don't run around your head causing other crazy thoughts to start. The biggest thing you can do is control your anxiety! Know your limits and stay away from them. Don't let your anxiety build to high before doing something about it or you will find yourself answering questions with I don't know and wishing you had a better answer.
Everyone is different. Not everyone was blessed with a wonderful brain that works without problems. For those that have brain like mine, hang in there. For those that don't, try to understand and love us. Because we love you and truly and honestly don't want to do things to hurt you (or ourselves).
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