Running.

Every emotion that I have, seems to build up to be bigger than it needs to be. Why is it that when I hurt, it destroys me for a short time? Why is it that when you become close to someone, the smallest thing that goes wrong is like utter betrayal? Why in my brain do I put so much emotion into the smallest things, like a hello or goodbye? Why is it that I just can't let things go?

Every day that I wake up, there is a new memory that comes creeping into my brain. From the moment that I wake up, it follows me around. I stand in the bathroom looking in the mirror as I brush my teeth and I can see the memory behind, pushing at me. Some of them are good. Others, sadly to say most of them, are not. It follows me around all day, making doing simple things at work harder because my brain is racing trying to figure out every other possible outcome of that memory. 

Does it ever end? I know I have this stupid disorder, but why me. I just want to be normal.

Many days I find myself digging myself into work. Finding every little thing that is wrong so that I can fix it. It's something that at least I know I can control since my mind won't ever stop talking to me. I feel like I am constantly running from letting these memories catch up.

What really puts a damper in the day, is when they can catch me. I'm done at that point. I try to function for the rest of the day, but ultimately my mind has checked out and I am at that point going through the motions like a wheel on a car. Just going.

Would You Still?

It is often said that hind sight is 20/20. The whole idea of this is you can look back throughout life and see what you have done and see the consequences of every action that has been taken.

Looking back in history, we see many civilizations that have fallen for one reason or another. One example that I am thinking of is the Aztecs and Cortes. Cortes sailed from Spain and landed in what would be Mexico today. The Aztecs through their history had been told of a white god that was supposed to come again. When Cortes arrived with his ships and his people and items from Spain that they had never seen before, the Aztecs thought this was the return of the great white god. They ultimately gave Cortes everything and they were soon overthrown causing the end of their great empire.

If they would have known that Cortes was going to use them, steal all of their wealth, and decimate their empire, would they still have let him land on their shores? I know that this is a very drastic example, but when we look at our lives it is hard to say what we would do.

Would you become friends with someone who you knew in the future would hurt you? It is really hard to say, because up until that point that friendship could be the most amazing friendship that one could have. You could share special moments and have a deep connection that can't be broken. You can know that they are hurting before they know it. You could be the closest and best of friends. Then one day, for whatever reason, that close friendship has to change. You still want it to be as close as it was before, but it just can't be. Knowing all of this, would you become friends in the first place? Would you make that relationship happen knowing that the outcome isn't going to work in your favor? Is it worth losing all of the great times and memories to not have to feel pain?

I guess it just depends on the person...

An Open Apology

There are many times that I wonder what would life be like if I had made different choices along my journey through life. Other times I wonder what it would be like to be someone else, someone that doesn't struggle on a daily basis fighting with their own brain.

I know that I can't change the past, but I really do wonder what would life be like right now if I had known sooner that I had borderline personality disorder (BPD). As I look back in my life, I see a lot of things that I did and said that were effected by this disorder. It hurts knowing that if I would have known the symptoms and been able to tell people about them that my life would be a whole lot different. Now, I am not saying that I do not like my life that I have right now, I just wish that I would not have hurt so many people along the way including myself. 

I guess the sum of what I am trying to get at is that I have a problem. I try very hard to control it and keep it in check. There are times though that it does win and I end up being someone that I am not usually. I say things or do things that are completely out of character. If I have ever hurt you or said something that was completely not me, please accept my apology. I really do not like hurting people, especially those that are close to me. So know that there are times that I will try and self destruct and this means that I will do or say things that are not normal. Know that I am just trying to hurt myself by distancing people close to me. 

I Don't Know Can Really Mean I Don't Know

There are people in this world that suffer daily. It's not a physical kind of suffering, but a suffering because they are just not understood. I am one of these people. Every day of my life I my brain is constantly battling itself because it thinks many things at one time. Now, some of you are thinking that everyone can do this. Let me break it down to you. I can focus on about seven different things at one time, and pay attention to every single thing. This can be beneficial at times, or utterly destructive at others.

I am writing this to let those that have mental ailments know that they are not alone for one, and that there are ways of dealing with it. I have borderline personality disorder with very high ADHD and anxiety. This is a toxic mix. When my anxiety gets high, my brain starts to race. When this happens I am trying to do to many things at once, all the while my brain is about 20 steps ahead trying to find solutions to the problems. This can turn harmful to me if I don't find a way to reduce my anxiety. When my anxiety stays to high for to long, my main thoughts kind of turn off so that I don't go crazy. But this is when the other many voices in my head take over. I have done things that would be considered self destructive when this happens. Examples are spending thousands of dollars on things I don't need. Doing things with people that I would not normally do (drugs, sex, reckless activities). What is hard about this, is that when my anxiety comes down and the real me comes back, I can remember doing those destructive things, but I can not at all say why I did them.

This has been damaging and destructive in many relationships that I have had. Not just with significant others, but with family and friends as well. I would get asked why I did those actions and I would honestly tell them that I didn't know. What people without these mental ailments don't understand is that we really don't know. Our main thinking part of the brain in charge of rational decisions has turned off. We know what we are doing and can remember doing them, but the rational behind the actions just doesn't exist. It's not a lie.

So for those of you that know or have people in your lives that have an ailment such as mine, let me help you to understand us a little bit better.
     If we say that we don't know,... we really don't know. You will be able to tell because our eyes and our face will be so lost and worried because we feel like we should know why but we just don't. So tell us it's all right. Help us. But please don't yell at us or get overly upset with us. You have to know that it wasn't really us doing it, but a part of our brain that we normally have in check taking control.
     Second, help us keep our anxiety low. Most of us are triggered by anxiety. If we come to you and say that we need to leave a place or we don't want to go to a busy place, it's our defense so that we don't lose control. If we are in a busy place and you see us start to zone out, talk to us. Ask us questions, have us tell you a story, or best of all take us away from the craziness.
     If there are times that you ask us what is wrong and we say nothing, that is mainly because we really don't know exactly what it is that is bothering us. We are trying to figure it out in or heads, but with so much going on up there and so many different things happening, we are just trying to slow everything down and grab on to a single thought. So let us be. When we know what is wrong there is a good chance that we will want to talk about it. (There are also many times that we will want you to just stay with us, not saying anything. Don't be afraid to ask if we want you to stick around while we figure it out) The key to this is let us talk about it without losing your cool on us. Again, there are a lot of things that we think about in our crazy heads that you just won't understand, so just understand that.
     Finally, once we have a good relationship with you, help us. There will be times when we don't know that we are about to have a breakdown and lose ourselves but you can see it coming. Tell us! Take us to a safe place where we can just be alone and get our minds refocused.

For those of you that do have the same problems as me, know that I love every one of you and understand that life sucks at times. I hate when people don't understand me, or don't believe me when I say I don't know. But get to know yourself. Get to know when you lose yourself and start to understand what gets you to that point. Find someone in your life that you can trust and will understand and help you. Let them know when you feel like you are going to lose yourself so that they can help you and keep an eye on you. Don't self destruct!! Doing things that you know are wrong seems to be the first thing we want to do. Knowing this, find a place that is quiet and secluded so that you don't do things that you will regret or that will hurt others (emotionally or physically). One of the biggest things that you can do is write down your feelings. Do it in a journal, in a document on a computer, in a blog (like I do) or anything. Just get your thoughts out there. It will help so they don't run around your head causing other crazy thoughts to start. The biggest thing you can do is control your anxiety! Know your limits and stay away from them. Don't let your anxiety build to high before doing something about it or you will find yourself answering questions with I don't know and wishing you had a better answer.

Everyone is different. Not everyone was blessed with a wonderful brain that works without problems. For those that have brain like mine, hang in there. For those that don't, try to understand and love us. Because we love you and truly and honestly don't want to do things to hurt you (or ourselves).

The Pain of Anger

Growing up I used to internalize a lot of my thought, my feelings, and anger. For some reason I was under the impression that showing emotion was not a good thing, that showing weakness would allow people to take advantage of you. So all growing up I kept everything in, never let it out, let it stay inside of me simmering like a volcano under the surface, waiting for the right moment. But when is that moment going to be?

During my twenties I had a hard time keeping my thoughts in check. Something would anger me and I would focus on it for hours, days, and even weeks depending on what it was. The sad part about this is that nothing was ever that big of a deal when looking back at it. The person that parked like an asshole is just an asshole. Probably doesn't deserve to be driving, but I'm not a police officer so it's not my job to do anything about it. I often thought about making personal business cards that would have offensive statements on them to hand out to people that I found to be stupid, but never did that. Again, I just kept everything in and let my brain run wild. It wasn't until a few things happened in my life that I knew that things were not right. I found that I was doing things, actions, that I could not justify why I did them. I could not remember doing them until someone would spark my memory in just the right way and then the whole past experience would come to life in my head. I had no idea why I did the things I did. I couldn't give a reason either. I just remember that I did them. This started happening more and more, and every time I would do things that were more and more careless.

After many episodes of bad actions that I could not justify, destroyed relationships, I found myself sitting in a mental health hospital getting treated. Doctors were very interested in me because they found me to be just that crazy. I was told that I had one of the worst cases of adult ADHD that they had seen. On top of that, they told me that I had a symptom called Dissociative identity disorder. The only thing that I could really think at the time was what the fuck is wrong with me? How did I get this way? After months of talking to mental health specialists and many other doctors with title that don't mean anything to me, they decided that the recent episodes in my life were spurred by years of holding in anger. My body had no other way to cope or handle with any more internal stress that my mind would check out of it's normal side and let this other side take over.

Today I am in my mid thirties, married with a child, and feel for the most part that I am doing well. My wife and I have had some trying times, figuring out what triggers my bad responses. We have had some hard times where we had to spend time apart. Eight years later we are doing well and have found that the best things that help me is to be able to openly say what I am feeling. This means saying things that are not nice, politically correct, or hurtful at times. My wife knows that it is my coping mechanism and that things I say should not be taken personally which has helped keep us together. The thing that is really bothering me and causing me to worry is now that I have a little kid, I have to be an example. I do not want him to have to go through what I did, but I don't want him to see the side of me were I have to vent and let things out. I am in a battle with myself to find a new healthy way to deal with my anger so that I do not hurt my family, or my child with hurtful words.

The point that I am making, is that if you have anger or hatred towards anything...let it go. Don't just hold it in. Find a way to make it all right with yourself, whether it is confronting the person, not ever associating with them, or what ever you need to do. Do not hold it in. It will build up and explode at some point or another. I was lucky that I wasn't married with a family when I blew my top. I don't know what I would have done if that would have happened around my family.

The Teacher

I can't wait to teach you how to walk, how to balance and put one foot in front of the other.

I can't wait to teach you to talk, to use your words to change the world.

I can't wait to teach you how to eat, to clean up the spills and watch you grow.

I can't wait to teach you how to run, so that you can get to where you are going faster.

I can't wait to learn how to be quick, to be there to catch you when you stumble. 

I can't wait to learn how to be patient, while I guess at what you mean before you talk.

I can't wait to learn what you like to eat, so that I don't have to clean up thrown food.

I can't wait to learn to get there before you, so I can' see you when you arrive.

I can't wait to teach you to play soccer, so that no matter where you travel you'll fit in.

I can't wait to teach you to read, so that you can have knowledge and power.

I can't wait to teach you to choose, so that you can know right from wrong.

I can't wait to teach you to be honest, to be true and just.

I can't wait to learn how to cheer, so that I can watch you score goals.

I can't wait to learn about the world, in the books that we will share together. 

I can't wait to learn right from wrong, so that I can know what's best for you.

I can't wait to learn what's true, so that I will know when truth is spoken.

I can't wait to teach you how to be a gentleman, to open doors for others.

I can't wait to teach you to cook, so that you don't have to depend on others.

I can't wait to teach you how to play, so that you don't get caught up in the world.

I can't wait to teach you to live, so that you have something to wake up for.

I can't wait to learn again what it's like to be a gentleman, to be the example.

I can't wait to learn new recipes, to grow my taste in food.

I can't wait to learn new games, because I'm never to old to play.

I can't wait to learn what life is, so that I know what's worth waking up for.

I can't wait to be your life teacher, but that day is not today. 

Today is the day that I am the student, while you teach me to be a dad.

I Am Offended That You Are Offended

I thought the the United States of America was a place that you are able to think how you want, pray how you want, believe what you want, and to say what you want. Somewhere I must have been given false information.

Growing up I was taught that the United States was founded by people that left England and other European countries to come to a place where they were able to practice religion how they want. They came to this now country to be able to live their own lives and not be told how and when and what they have to do. They wanted to own their own land to be able to produce crops for their own use. I seem to remember that their was once this piece of paper that was written upon and it said something along the lines of we are a free people.

Why is it that in today's version of the United States of America, all of these freedoms that were originally set up have been taken away? I see in the news almost every week that there has been another college group that has been shut down, somebody is having to apologize publicly for something that they have said. And why is this? Do we not have freedom of speech anymore? Are we not allowed to have an opinion that others may not have? If there is a privately owned bakery that doesn't want to make cakes for some gay couples wedding, they have that damn right. So why do those fucking gay pricks get to take that bakery to court and say that they were rejected because of their views?! That is the right of the owner. He can refuse service to anybody. He isn't saying that he won't hire them (which you can't do under equal rights), but you sure can tell someone that you are not going to bake a cake for them because you don't support their cause. There are a million other bakeries that they could go to. If I have an opinion about a different race than mine is perfectly allowable and I am able to publicly say so. Now making threats and or acting out on said race is illegal yes, however saying that a race is ignorant and deserves what they get is my opinion. If it offends you I am not sorry. That is why we live in this country, we have the agency to have an opinion. Don't fucking shut my opinion down because you don't like it, accept it as an opinion and carry the fuck on!!